The Lost and Found of Motherhood

When I answered the telephone in the lab darkroom 7 some odd years ago, I had no idea that I was about to loose so much of who I was. Some of this I was prepared for, and some I was so unprepared for I didn’t even realize it was happening.

Becoming a Mother was something that appealed to me off and on since I was 18 or so. There were months that I was going to have nothing to do with ‘suburbia house-mom” because I was going to be too busy painting and traveling the world. (This is where the wiser and much older me giggles and sighs) Then other times getting married and raising children sounded like the all American Dream. I hoped I would land somewhere in the middle.

When I married Ben in 2000, I left my home and my name in Missouri. It seemed I left my passion for art there too. I was burned out from my senior year of art school, and exhausted by all the life changing events that had taken place within a few short months of each other. I just flat out quit art due to this and a very bad job experience where my confidence was shot. It was hard to figure out just who I was in this new city (which was huge to me), where no one knew my family or my story. To add to this, I was not my own any longer-I was a wife! I found a happy and comfortable rut and time rushed by with its ups and downs. In this time I began to play around with my art again, but nothing like before. Before I would get lost for days in a piece, and that I could not balance with my new life. Then I began feeling sick. They couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me. So after a round of blood work, I got a call at work. I was developing X-rays in the darkroom and almost exposed all my film when I heard the words “your pregnant”. After 4 negative tests, it was a fluke and I WAS going to have a baby! What a rush of joy and terror. I hung up and stood there in the faint red light, stunned. What now? I called Ben who went through the same emotional taser experience. Then life really got crazy.

While I was expecting Grace, I painted little pictures for her room. Later a piece for Mom and Dad. But I had lost something in my work. It sure wasn’t as fun as it had been-it was, well, it was work. Grace was born and it was an amazing experience. In this process of pregnancy and delivery though, I was left feeling week and drained. My body had changed chemically and I could hardly eat a thing, I developed a pretty good case of postpartum depression. It took years to get my health back, just in time to get pregnant again with Tommy. This pregnancy also took its toll on my body leaving me with new sets of doctors appointments. In between kids I had started to enjoy working in art, when I got the chance which, as Moms of preschoolers know, was not often. Who can find the time between diapers, housekeeping, cooking, grocery shopping, reading books, playing dolls, temper tantrums, bandaging boo-boos, lessons to be taught, doctor appointments, remodeling and old house, and questions asked in lovely small curious voices, “Why?”. With no family around, time for me was just out of the question. I had some how just flat out lost who I was during all this Mothering and these health issues that took over my life. I love being a Mom (on most days!), but I let it really become my identity. This is NOT who I am, just a part. A part I am very proud of, but there is far more to me. Somewhere.

In the last year there has been a reawakening of who I am, or was, before kids. Ben has experienced the same thing. He got lost in this ‘daily grind’ too. We don’t know if it was Grace’s illness that brought this out, the kids getting a little less needy or just time to get fully comfortable in our family roles. Whatever the reason, there is a new energy in our house. Ben has begun playing tennis again-he is now #1 in singles at his club, and I have been producing real studio art again with passion and joy!

For my birthday I asked for 2 whole days to work in my new little studio I set up in the guest bedroom. Those 2 days took 10 years off my face and heart! The ideas for pieces have come so fast and numerous I will never be able to complete them all. It is a true joy, that is all I can say. Over the last year I have been working in art, but not had that real time to create. Now I am making time. I feel like I am back from where ever that place was that I had gone. Currently I have work showing at Cottonwood Center for the Arts. This show was probably very easy to get into, and yet I am so thrilled to be in it. It is not a matter of pride for me, but a matter of actually DOING something, just getting started. I hope that my studio art career will be a joyful one. Successful would be nice too. Truly God has been working hard on me and perhaps that is the difference now.

There is the terror of losing myself to the mundane daily life of laundry, dishes and diapers again. What is truly scary is that I didn’t realized that it had happened, and no one close to me realized since that was the only Brandi they knew. All the people that knew me were a thousand miles away and oblivious. I wonder how many other parents this happens too? It is still important for me to be the one here raising our kids. We have made many sacrifices so that it is me the kids spend the day with or that picks them up from school. Now I realize it is also important that our children know who we are aside from being Mom & Dad. To know that it is important to have passions you delve into. There IS something more than housekeeping and cooking! -I will say that both of these areas have suffered since I began painting so much. However, we will find a balance, plus frozen lasagna and chicken patties are pretty tasty. I am up for the challenge if it means time in my studio. It seems that after a decade, I am finally ending up somewhere in the middle of ‘house-mom’ & artist. It is a good place to be.